A Splash of Colour in Some Shades of Greyness.
"I can't find my words" I said to Dave, a few times over, these last few weeks.
"What?" He asked, a little perplexed, as it's a well known fact that I'm often flitting about with way too many words to share my thoughts. These days thought I've been discouraged as I sat down, and each time faced the white screen of nothingness.
"I have nothing" I murmured, wordless. "Absolutely nothing!"
And the moments dissolved into days that left me wordless. And I couldn't figure out why.
Yesterday, the officiator at the Funeral Service of Dave's Aunt spoke in the typical sing-song voice that comes when a group is assembled quietly in a Church, a solemn and sad occasion.
"Life is full of Ups and Downs" he melodied, and paused, as he looked up at the group gathered before him. The phrase and the concept reverberated within me as it echoed throughout the room, and I listened with a perked up ear as he continued:
"We will encounter times of Ups and times of Downs in our lives. It's not a matter of If
, but rather, When
". He continued to speak his sermon but somehow I remained focused on his earlier words and my thoughts started to wander.
We've been living a tumultuous mix of Ups and Downs. We've spent the last month or so journeying the Canadian Highways from the West Coast towards the East Coast, and quite literally we've been driving Ups and Downs as we've navigated the mountains, hills and flatlands across Canada. And of course, there's figuratively speaking as well. We've been experiencing incredible moments of intense Ups and Downs.
"Ahhh, I think I've got it" I thought to myself, as a sort of answer to my lack of words seemed to emerge. All these Ups and Downs have combined and intertwined and left me breathless. Wordless.
"You've not blogged in a while" I'm being asked. Messaged. E-mailed. And I humbly thank all my friends, family and followers for missing me. And for contacting me. Somehow though it wasn't enough, for my words still didn't materialize. And that left an even bigger void, an emptiness that would be filled if only I could find my Words. So what happened?
Some amazing Ups. How can I describe the waves of bliss, the emotions that sweep over me as I clamber into our new home, the sigh of contentment as I crawl into bed at night after another wonderful day of Adventuring, falling asleep feeling so very fortunate and simultaneously so very grateful at living this lifestyle we've created for ourselves.
How does one describe the feeling of Empowerment after an Adventure? The Glee and Euphoria of Living our Dream? The contentment, the "Sigh" that manifests when All is Good.
We've celebrated our 5th Wedding Anniversary just recently, and realized we're just as happy today, as we were the day we got married, or the day we met. Being able to share our lives together, dream and live our Dream, (with its Ups and Downs) with an incredible person by my side...
Well, it's all, quite honestly had me at a Loss For Words at being fortunate enough to experience and live such crazy giddy happiness.
We've driven from Mile Zero in Victoria (BC)
and are on our way to Mile One in St Johns (NFLD). This is a Shakedown Drive, testing all new to us systems, learning the bends in the road, as it were. We've travelled from the Majestic Canadian Rockies where every day, every blink of an eye brought a view that was even more stunning than the last, some almost beyond belief.
Then there were the Prairie Lands that went on and on, Forever Flat.
The raw beauty of the Earth could be seen everywhere, from healthy fields of trees to oil rigs,
and dynamited rocky debris that was a mountain and is now a new widened road,
all proof positive that Mother Nature is fighting hard to find her balance and keep the Earth alive. As we sat back in our seats, after yet another scenic stop or hike
right to the top of that Big Beehive,
and still the Loss for Big and Descriptive Words to describe what we'd just seen seemed to grow and expand, sort of like the never ending fields of wheat, the inability to describe the experience reached as high as the skies and I joined the Flight of the Bald Eagle, looking and searching and scanning the blue skies, and yet landing once again, breathless and without words.
And then, the Downs. A reunion with distant family dealing with Cancer. Despite the sadness and turmoil and pain that they are living, we were invited in their home, to sit with them on their bed, and share an evening of memories and stories. Courage combined with Pain, Sadness combined with Smiles and some time spent in the comfort that is presence and togetherness. No words can ever be uttered that make any of this any easier to understand or deal with or accept. And that left me at a Loss for Words, an understanding that Sometimes there are just no words at all.
A wonderful, beautiful friend of ours shocked us all to the core with a revelation. More precise, a diagnosis: ALS. We were honoured to be invited, the first to see them as they battled the raw angst and emotion that is days after identification of her illness. A wordless welcome, a mix of disbelief and tears, an embrace that can't even begin to help, and we shared their upheavaled world and we strived to make sense of it all. We couldn't. So we sat down, and we ate, and we laughed and we cried. And the routine that is friendship around a kitchen table brought some small piece of comfort to all our broken hearts.
Their courageous and impressive Journey thus far has left me, a powerless spectator at best, desperately trying to find my words long after they were able to find, and share
We travelled on, enjoying reunions with family
and cruising friends that are now CLODs* scattered along the Canadian highways.
(and many more special people that we've spent time with, with no photos for proof!).
Enjoying each others company for a brief convergence in place and time, allowing the comfort of friendships to bridge the geographical distances and cementing the hands of the enemy that is time. The reunions have left us with our hearts bursting to the brim, this time unable to find the words to describe the Love of it all.
Now that we're on Land, we find ourselves immersed in the land of available social media. A virtual form of visual diarrhea spewing forth news of the Lives that Surround us. Announcements of a Violent World that feels alien to us, yet somehow, we can't turn the human animosity off. We are constantly within sight and range of connectivity to streams of newsfeeds present in our bandwidth. A bandwidth that for the first time, in all our years of travel, has had hackers infect my computer, and steal money from me. A world that enrages the soul leaves me unable to find the Words needed that might offer a glimmer of hope and a change in perspective that we will all hopefully, somehow, survive.
And then an announcement that a Soul has Passed, another life transformed into but a memory. We speeded our return home to Nova Scotia to attend the service of Dave's Aunt. A celebration of a long life lived. A life summarized by an album of photos that when perused, brings forth smiles and tears to the ones left standing. 91 and 3/4 years YOUNG and that's left me at a Loss for Words as to just how short and precious a time our Life is.
And I sat there, yesterday, in the pew of the very quiet Church and listened to the Words of Love spoken by those left behind, already missing her presence, it all somehow merged together and my Words slowly started to blur into focus, materialize, emerge into a reality that our Lives are indeed a series of Ups and Downs.
I squeezed Dave's hand, he wiped away a tear, and he squeezed my hand back. There was no need for words. In fact, there were no missing words. There was Love.
Love is the space between the groups of letters that merge together to allow the Words to Make Sense.
Celebrating and Sharing my Words. Submitted with Love.
CLODS: Cruisers Living on Dirt