Living fulltime on a sailboat while traveling continuously is neither for the unadventurous nor for those attached to material possessions, luxuries and modern conveniences. This goes without saying on a sailblog. What might be less obvious is that it's also not for couples who tire of each other's company before the sun wraps up for the day or find their partner's habits exceedingly draining as surely as the sun will rise the next morning, and if you keep score in an attempt to keep your partner humble (or just plain wrong), forget this life. If your partner has no sense of humor and fails to find you witty in the least, well, I would think twice about venturing into a life confined to small spaces and demanding conditions. Does contempt or habitual resentment creep into the corners of your partnership? If so, no life together will be easy but this one will be dreadful.

It takes all kinds to make a sailing partnership work; who am I to judge? We occasionally meet liveaboard couples, however, that are walking miracles as far as I can tell. For example there are those who don't like each other much or who go along with the plan of the "boss" without having their own voices heard. Many times the "passive companions" are female but we know women who run the ship while the man is less enthusiastic or just plain miserable. There are captains who choose the vessel for the couple without seeking or receiving any input from their partner. There are plenty of individuals who say "I" instead of "we" and many couples who are sailing because one wants to with the other going along with the plan rather than being left behind. We've met lots of single-handers who did in fact leave a partner behind, not because of a separation but because of a discrepancy in desires. Recently we met a woman who said her husband sailed without her up and down the Caribbean for over a year until she decided to give this lifestyle a chance. She loved their land-life home, he wanted to sail so off he went and there she stayed. She had neither input into the kind of boat they bought nor the equipment or accessories it has or will have. One woman told me she wanted a kayak for exercise and solo exploration but her husband refused to have extra clutter on deck so kayaks were not allowed. Recently I met a woman who was walking to the local laundromat with nothing more than one soiled tablecloth. I asked if she had some ammonia on her boat to wash it out by hand. She laughed and said, "You must have a watermaker!" I smiled sheepishly and she explained, "We have a large boat and large dog and while we can certainly afford a watermaker, my husband has yet to agree to one". While more and more women are embracing this lifestyle, it has been true that it is often the man's dream they are living so wouldn't it benefit them to make a few concessions along the way? It's like yelling. If men yell at their female companions, they shouldn't be surprised if one day she says, "Enough! Get me off this damned boat!" It happens.

In year two and three of our own cruising life, Ed decided he had enough of it and was ready to swallow the hook. We had many hours of extremely frank (and painful) talks in an attempt to get to the bottom of his discontent. Once we uncovered the source of his feelings, I made two points abundantly clear. The first point was this; if he was not enjoying living this way, we would do something else. It took everything I had to say it with conviction but I did. I desperately hoped he wouldn't say "OK". Secondly I said, "I really want to continue living as a cruiser. I'll do whatever it takes to help you recommit to and feel good about it if you're open to that." From there we made a number of significant changes (repowering was one of the most important ones) and if you ask Ed today, he will tell you he's happy to be cruising and we are back to operating as partners pursuing a common goal.

A partnership is a partnership and being successful means working together for the good of the entity, not for one's satisfaction at the cost of the other. Ed and I don't share responsibilities equally, however. He is and always will be a better sailor, mechanic, navigator and weather router. I'm ok with that, though I want to continue learning. He's ok with that as long as I participate, contribute and keep learning. I work hard at many other duties to relieve him of any undo burdens. We have a far more traditional breakdown of roles while onboard than we ever did or will have on land and this has taken some getting used to. But what's important is that we feel respected by the other, unburdened, partnered. We are considerate of each other's needs--if Ed is unhappy, I pay attention. If I'm unhappy, he tunes in. He told me before we married he wanted my dreams to come true and I told him I wanted the same for him; all these years later, this is still one of our guiding principles.

Without some common courtesies and sensitivity to the needs of each other, this would quickly become a burdensome, unhappy existence. If I was unhappy with my partner, I think I'd rather do it as a land-based person with a modern washing machine, dryer, an endless supply of hot water and a phenomenal coffee maker programmed for 6AM each morning...the kind where you can select the strength and temperature of the brew and voila! There it is waiting for you to wake up and have your first sip. And while we're at it, let's throw in a cute little car with 4 good wheels, air conditioning and seats without rips. But for now, I'd rather have a partner I'm compatible with, living and traveling on a simple sailboat from here to there or anywhere.