A Stooshy in Sleepy Largs

Up with the larks this morning. They blew past the windows at about 50 miles an hour in a tumble of drookit* feathers.

Pretty wild up here at 56 north. If we were at the antipodean equivalent we'd be taking our turn at the outside of the Emperor penguin circle.

Up early to go for a swim and to buy reading specs. (The print on all these new modern books is just SO small).

Arrived at the pool at crack of dawn, hoping to get in and out before the 12 year old came in to embarrass me..... but it was shut. For the first but not to be the last time in the day I got a look that obviously questioned my sanity.

Och. We don't open 'till 9. Would you like a wee timetable? All said at the pace and volume reserved for old codgers. Faced without a choice I thought I'd go for a coffee. Shut. Don't open 'till 9:30. So went back to the pool car park, strapped down the car and sat in the howling wind and rain 'till "small Scottish retirement town" opening time.

Back in the pool, there was now a queue of nine early morning risers all waiting with practiced indifference as the two staff members sat at their hi-tech desks under their all powerful clock, all watching and waiting on the second hand to make its painfully slow way to click the minute hand vertical to the magic 9.

Last through and last in the water I was faced with the old codgers all swimming in THEIR lane. I gave it a couple of lengths swimming around and avoiding the regulars, as happy to see me, some out-of-towner, as to see a poop in THEIR pool.

"Screw this", I thought. I'll have a sauna and see if I can stretch in the steam room without falling of the bench. It was cold.

THAT WAS IT. Enough. Got dressed, asked politely for my money back, suggested they try lane swimming, like every other pool in the world and left in stooshy**

Left for the marina for breakfast and to pick up some stuff I can't be bothered hunting for in New Zealand. Brilliant 12 teachers are in ahead of me for end of school celebration. "Might be a wee while" says the waitress. Brilliant.

Anyway, got my stuff and headed back into town to buy specs.

Boots £18:90 or £30 for two. Stuffed and locked in plastic packs that needed an engineering degree to open so you could try them on. Pulled, tugged, even looked fir instructions but in the end gave up in disgust. Round corner is the Pound Shop. Everything for a pound.

"How much are these specs?" I asked. Looking me in the eye like I'm a moron, having walked into a shop called The Pound Store, under a giant sign that said, "Everything for a Pound" he says with a hint of fatigue, "A pound". He was polite enough to drop the "you dummy" from the reply but I could see him thinking it.

That was the first of my life enhancing results this morning, and it's only just gone 11. Next, at the swimming pool, out of a choice of some 250 lockers I chanced upon number 112 and found a pound coin! A WINNER. Fair made my morning and a great start to Christmas. Hope you have a relaxing stress free enjoyable Christmas.

*drookit - soaked, wet through
**stooshy - tantrum, bad mood