Post-op Synop
23 February 2023 | St. Petersburg, FL
Tuesday 14 February 2023
Hospital called at 0630 to come in immediately as Dr. Watson (no relation to Sherlock's doc) had a cancellation. Great! Get in early, get'er done, finish in time for release today. Nice plan. Subsequently sat around for five hours before being wheeled into surgery. Tried to recognize when anesthetic started working. Not a chance. Winked out without slightest notice, but then good news - woke up. Always a good sign. Stayed in recovery for over a hour and apparently asked nurse several times if I would remember. Didn't. Propofol is not called the milk of amnesia for nothing. Despite delay, escaped hospital to arrive in apartment by 1900. Due drug war, political paranoia surrounding opioid epidemic and autocratic predilection to treat doctors and patients like irresponsible children (CDC), got minimal meds to take edge off pain. Folding mobility walker that hospital forced on me at Florida taxpayers expense sits unused in a corner and will be donated to Vinny's.
Wednesday
Due repair of damaged soft tissue that necessitates motion limits which will prevent significant work on boat, may remain in Florida longer to avoid squandering Schengen visa time. Also, Jan's knee has been acting up causing her some pain. We're a pretty pitiful pair. Telle est la guerre. Anybody know why the French think war is feminine?
PT fellow came by and stuffed five minutes of therapy into an hour after reams of bureaucratic paperwork bumbledom. Small instruction sheet attached to an email would have saved taxpayers another chunk.
Saturday
Takeaway from doctor and PT guidance is that it will be impossible to properly heal without sitting in a Lazy Boy rocker and watching Wheel of Fortune on the telly most of the day for three months, severely limiting bending, twisting and ab- or adduction of hip. And by the way, have you tried sleeping on your back without ever snoring - Jan actually can. Even after pain goes away will have to practice being a geriatric cripple while working a sailboat. Let's just see how that works out.
Monday
Rethunk stay in America. Really need to get back to boat. New plan: go to followup check with doctor on 27th to get stitches out and hop on plane that afternoon. Really sick of living out of hotels; miss boat; not too fussed about missing some of Mediterranean.
Thursday
Announcements:
*Satan mandates vaccinations. For those eager to attend Satcon, the annual Satanic Convention, on 28 April, you will not be allowed in unless vaccinated. No definitive word on boosters.
*Not content to limit human fun, a Florida lawmaker wants to make it illegal for dogs to stick their heads out of car windows because "wind can seriously irritate mucous membranes and blow pieces of grit or other debris" into animals'. Since dogs seldom carry cash, drivers will likely have to pay fine.
Actual Laws:
It is illegal to build, maintain, or use a nuclear weapon in Chico, California.
Arkansas has made it illegal to mispronounce the state name.
In Connecticut you break the law by selling pickles that do not bounce.
Florida law doesn't allow you to sell your children.
Gainsville, Georgia, police can arrest you for eating chicken with utensils - fingers only.
Idaho has a ban on "nonconsensual consumption" of another human.
Stealing crawfish in Louisiana gets you a $3000 fine or 10 years in jail.
Maine outlaws advertising on someone else's tombstone.
Don't even think about playing Frisbee golf in Helena, Montana.
Poaching Sasquatch in parts of Washington State is a felony carrying a $1000 fine.
Real Headlines:
"Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police"
"'We Hate Math', say 4 in 10 - a majority of Americans"
"Breathing Oxygen Linked to Staying Alive"
"Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25"
"Man Kills Himself and Runs Away"
Of course the most irrational things are often those that sound most reasonable. Skepticism is is your friend; thinking is fun. Ya'll be careful out there, hear?
Jack & Jan