To depart is to cut your heart in half
21 January 2015 | Landbased
3 years have passed since I set foot on Auryn, her white hull swaying kindly in a French harbour staring brightly back at me under the sun as I struggled to carry my life ashore; tears swelled in my eyes; leaving her meant leaving 10 years of my life; leaving her meant giving up a dream I once had; leaving her meant saying goodbye to a country I had called my own for 12 years; leaving her meant abandoning and resetting the start button on the people I called my family; leaving her meant above all else leaving him. His dark blue eyes, icy cold at times, his aloofness, everything that made us the perfect couple. Yet, I could not be myself here, I couldn't breathe anymore onboard Auryn, I had no life of my own and it was too late when I realised I had given him and her, my sweet boat, the best years of my life and time was running out for both of us if we ever really wanted to live.
Time had aged me, not in soul but in spirit. No career as I followed him (the one who earns a lot never realizes I think how much the other one sacrifice for money and taking care of "her", our ship), No more dreams of my own as everything revolved only around the boat and a dream that kept being postponed every year, a dream we did not really share; not entirely. For him, the boat was a safe haven to be while crossing seas, for me the boat was but a mean to go explore the world and meet people while understanding cultures. One of us believed in isolating themselves, sipping whisky, reading a book while observing life from the safety of his fortress; while the other dreamt of exploration and only coming back to the boat to rest in between adventures. What a different vision, if only we had known in advance, if only we could have discussed our expectations instead of spending so many nights avoiding each other, one gaming all night, escaping his expat reality; while the other drowned online desperately trying to keep friends in a virtual world when all she ever wanted was to live in the real world.
Starved of any creativity, spontaneity and fire, I resented her so much - heavy weight tied around my neck, suffocating me at night, blinding me with tears.
Sometimes we have to take risks, speak our minds yet when we do and the outcome is as static as before we spoke, after x attempts, we simply give up. Why can the other not understand the sacrifices we had to make. So we are lazy because we do not work a corporate job, we are incapable to work according to them when in truth we have never been given the chance to bloom to our full potential. At night we are being ignored, isolated from friends and family, our life revolve around him who does not water us everyday and sometimes does not even talk to us. So after a while we ignore him too, we desperately try to figure out what is it that could light our inner soul when in truth what would light any endeavor is the possibility to truly share it with the one you love. Have them cheer you along the way, support you in your own projects. So after getting no support, I ran, mid 30's are already late to start over but when you cannot breathe better leave.
I still think of her, my dear seaworthy boat, I miss her. I do not miss him though, not his coldness, not his scandinavianess, I realize that he actually never knew me even after more then 10 years of common living. He has still no idea of who I really am as I never got the chance to bloom with him. I find it sad that people can live this way. I regret at times to have wasted so long taking the decision to go when I could feel I could not grow in this relationship.
All I wish is for her to sail soon, I hope he can manage, the green giant, to take her on adventures as I wished. The world is already different especially the ocean. Plastic pollution is ever present compared to 20 years ago. Globalisation has advanced even in the more remote of places. Truth, I should have sailed in my early 20's, go sailing around the world then. Now? After backpacking the last 7 months in Asia, I can assure you that there is very few places to experience remote living even worth along the coast. Maybe this is what makes me eager to move again but this time on land, be part of this earth, make things grow and sailing?......The time to sail again will come I know it, not on you my dear Auryn but a better fitted boat to explore what might be left of mystery in this world and our hearts.
Safe sailing wherever you maybe Auryn.