Birvidik

The previous entry regarding the trials and tribulations of being out on the hard did miss out one significant exacerbating factor, namely having a cat. More precisely, the prime factor is having a cat whose co-ordination, balance and agility are so indescribably awful that the adjectival phrase 'cat-like' could not be applied by any stretch of the imagination. This does not, however, have any effect on her delusions of competence in this department. As a result an arms race developed. She kept trying to get onto adjoining boats by jumping gaps several metres up in the air and a metre or so beyond her capacity. We employed increasingly desperate (and expensive) measures to prevent her.

Surrounding the boat in 40 quid's worth of netting was easily overcome by her climbing determinedly up the netting, balancing precariously on the 1 inch stainless steel handrail at the top and hurling herself at the adjacent superyacht in a whirling flurry of fur and claws. Raising the netting so that the boat appeared to have been cocooned in a web constructed by an outsized spider after a rather large spliff fared no better. So we resorted to bondage and tied her up in a harness attached to a short lead. Too short as things turned out, so we lengthened it with a length of elastic. This, we hoped, would enable her to roam the deck, but discourage her from jumping onto the adjacent boat. It didn't. We were, however, able to reel her in like a game fish and so we chalked it up as a partial victory.

We failed, however, to anticipate her retaliatory strategy. By taking the most tortuous and circuitous routes she could around the deck she created a literal cat's cradle entangling every obstruction she could find (which were many). If this failed to trip us up she expressed her displeasure by whining and complaining until one of us came out and disentangled her. This occurred at approximately 10 minute intervals. On top of this she managed to create some knots that would have taken me 45 minutes, two pairs of hands and an eight page set of explanatory diagrams. She also validated a memorable quote from Tony Jennet, my first sailing instructor - "Any f***ing idiot can tie a knot that won't come undone!". He was a bluff, no-nonsense sort of bloke, Tony.

Nevertheless, we persevered.

We had tied her up and were working at ground level when we heard the by now familiar sound of her launching herself at the neighbouring superyacht. Unfortunately, she had failed to take into account the series of loops and knots she had already tangled in the elastic. Mid leap, her eyes glistening in manic determination, she was rudely and unexpectedly brought to a jerking halt by the lead. The whirling claws made desperate attempts to latch on to the pristine bodywork of the superyacht, but it was an unequal struggle and she slid over the edge of its deck with an expression and performance that would have done credit to a Tom & Jerry episode. Her eyes were now like saucers as she viewed the rapidly approaching concrete. We braced ourselves for the sounds of splintering bone and bursting spleen.

About a metre and a half before ground zero the elastic began to tighten and her rate of descent slowed. I couldn't have calculated the length of elastic better if I'd had a Cray supercomputer. She came softly to rest as her paws gently brushed the concrete. The pupils started to contract a little. She then adopted her customary air in such circumstances, namely a smug "I meant to do that all along" sort of air. Smug lasted about 3 milliseconds until the tension in the elastic came into play and she accelerated up into the air again. This confused her somewhat. She's never really managed to come to grips with the concept of conservation of energy. She stared disconsolately and bemusedly as the ground receded.

The elastic pulled her up to about three-quarters the height of her original drop. Obviously thinking that she had somehow miraculously gained the power of flight she windmilled her paws in a desperate (and ultimately futile) attempt to climb back on board before her superpowers disappeared as suddenly and mysteriously as they had come into being. Then gravity took over again. The damping action continued for a minute or so, with ever diminishing oscillations until she finally came to rest hanging forlornly about a metre up in the air like one of those floppy rubber toys on elastic. She had to hang there, terminally embarrassed, for about five minutes until we managed to stop laughing, wait for the ache in our stomachs to subside and untie her.

Serves her right.