Birvidik

And we're back in cruising mode. Liz is covered in catshit and I appear to have managed to blunder our way into the middle of an active NATO live missile firing range. So - business as usual then.

The crap weather held, as suspected, until the 26th May, when we again braved the horrors of Cape Ioannis. This time we had more luck and rounded it in an almost flat calm. Einstein took this in her stride, but this was hardly surprising as we'd injected her with enough narcotics to satiate Keith Richards. Didn't work though - her guitar playing's still crap and she hasn't written a decent song since her seminal work Shaking Pussy Moan (Polydor, 2009).

But more of that in the next blog (soon to follow, honest). Let us first continue the saga of the recent travel hoist and rigging debacle. Following the repairs, we entered into extended correspondence with our insurance company. It turned out that, of the nearly £2 000 we paid out for re-doing the standing rigging, the insured damage (i.e. that directly caused by the travel hoist) amounted to about £800. This was only £300 above our excess of £500, so it wasn't worth losing the no-claims for that amount. We resigned ourselves to forking out for the lot.

Our insurer, however, pointed out that we had legal cover included in our policy. This entitled us to the services of some purportedly big-shot lawyers in order to sue the arse off either the marina or the hoist operator. As a bonus, claiming on this did not affect our no-claims. We contacted them and sent off the reams of documentation they subsequently requested.

After a few weeks and a series of learned umms & ahs, we received a communication in what appeared to be almost, but not quite, totally unlike English. Working my way through the periphrastic, circumlocutory tautologies I teased out the underlying meaning:

I am a specialist in International Litigation.
Translation: I joined this firm as a YTS trainee last Tuesday and have never been abroad but my sister married a Lithuanian.

I have been passed your file by your legal expense insurer.
No-one else could be arsed with this piddling little claim so the tea-lady told me I had to deal with it.

I have reviewed your case in detail.
I got as far as the second paragraph before giving up and going out for six pints and a Balti.

I believe your claim has reasonable prospects of success.
You've got a rock-solid, cast-iron, copper-bottomed case.

I am concerned about the length of time it will take to settlement.
You're more likely to get a telegram from The Queen first.

Levels of responsiveness in Greece can in no way be compared to those in England.
This lot can make the Bloody Sunday enquiry look like summary vigilante justice.

We do not yet know whether the marina or hoist operator are (sic) insured.
They're almost certainly not.

Due to the Greek financial situation we are experiencing a number of insurers going bankrupt.
Even if they were insured it wouldn't make an iota of difference.

This case will be uneconomic, with costs several times the value of your claim.
Hang on - we could end up losing money on this.

The estimated value of your claim is £1085 and the unrecoverable legal expenses are estimated at £2000 to £3000 or more.
Holy Shit! How do we get out of this one?

Lawyer strikes and court strikes are currently very common in Greece.
We'll start by putting the frighteners on him.

If you were a private, fee paying client...
If I gave a flying fuck

I could not advise you to spend more in unrecoverable legal fees than you could hope to recover in damages.
I'd crawl over broken glass on my hands and knees to get you into court.

As obliged under your policy of insurance...
As I can't work out how to wheedle my way out of it...

I have advised your insurers....
I told them we could be in deep doo-doo here

They have instructed me to make an offer to you.
They said 'buy the bugger off'....

The amount I am instructed to offer is £750.
As cheaply as possible.

I could have summarised it in two brief paragraphs:

Dear Sir.
You are completely in the right, both morally and legally, but that's totally irrelevant. The chances of you getting any money whatsoever from anyone, anywhere in Greece at any time before Armageddon are so infinitesimal that you'd be better off paying your life savings to that nice gentleman who emailed you from Nigeria. You know, the one with the idiosyncratic spelling and grammar.

Accordingly, we want nothing to do with the entire enterprise and with our years of experience we reckon we can get you to forget the whole business for seven hundred and fifty quid.

Yours etc

Vicky Pollard
Asst. Beverage Dispensing Officer

Weasel, Ferret, Polecat, Stoat & Partners.

And do you know what?
They were right.

We know when we're beaten.