Citius, altius, fortius and all that….. Or oiled up and stark naked
28 August 2012
Well, that's it then - Olympics all done and dusted. Transport system back to merely the usual chaos and maybe just the odd missile launcher accidentally left on a rooftop in Hackney. In keeping with the Olympic spirit we called in to Katakolon and took the train to ancient Olympia, the cradle of The Games and the seedbed of physical excellence, good sportsmanship and international co-operation.
It was looking a bit tired.
Mind you, it was getting on a bit, seeing as the first Olympic games were supposed to have been held there around 1100 B.C., a time when we Brits were running around getting absolutely bladdered on cheap booze, painting ourselves blue and knocking seven bales of shit out of the neighbours on a Saturday night. How we have progressed in the intervening 3000 years.
In Greece, though, things were considerably more civilised. They were just segueing effortlessly from Bronze to Iron Age technology while we were still trying to blunder our way through the previous transition.
That's not to say, of course, that Hellenic culture and society was a lost democratic arcadia of reciprocal support and respect. The much vaunted Athenian Democracy, for example, was hardly a shining paragon of universal suffrage. Out of a population of around half a million, around 20% were slaves and so had no vote, despite doing nearly all the work. Roughly 40% were not born in Athens, and also no vote. The remaining 40% were free born Athenians. Knocking out the roughly half of these who were children this cut the available pool of voters down to about 100 000 people.
Unfortunately, around half of these turned out to be women and so, obviously, could not be trusted with making reasoned decisions on important matters such as whether or not to get bladdered and knock seven bales of shit out of the neighbours next Saturday. They were therefore excluded from the electoral roll so they could concentrate on having babies, doing their nails and talking about kittens. By the time you then weeded out convicted felons, the clinically insane and those with highly suspect views, such as Aristotle, this left the fate of the city state in the hands of about 1/10 of the population - 50 000 blokes who would have all been contenders for the local golf club, had such an institution been invented. The State of Florida appears to be moving toward this classical interpretation of democracy.
However, back to the games.
There have, this year, been some malcontents who have complained that the inclusion of activities such as a bunch of women wearing nose-clips and rictus grins while making star formations in a swimming pool, or someone sitting on a horse while it walks sideways are not really sports at all and make a mockery of the spirit of the games.
There is some support for this view if one looks back to the very origins of the Olympics. The first ones consisted of a single foot race over a distance of about 200 metres. Even allowing for the opening and closing ceremonies the whole shebang would have been over in forty minutes.
"Is that it then?"
"Yup - time to go home."
"But I've travelled from Macedonia to see this - it took me three weeks."
"We've had your money. Go on - bugger off."
Seeing that their current business plan was somewhat lacking and that future income was likely to fall, the Elisians, who ran the show, decided to expand. The 200 metres was supplemented by the 400 metres and the 5 000 metres. Hot on their heels came the jumping, discus and javelin which, with the foot races, made up the pentathlon. The mathematically ept among you will have realised that this totals four events. These were used to whittle the contestants down to a final pair who faced off in a fairly brutal wrestling cum boxing finale.
This brought the crowds in. Nothing like a bit of blood and gore to whip the punters into a buying frenzy. Working on the principal that more is better, they introduced chariot racing which was a good spectator sport, there being only 5% of the competitors completing the course without (frequently fatal) mishap. Formula 1's a pussy cat by comparison.
The piece de resistance, though, was the Pancratium. Carl Von Clauswitz argued that war is politics continued by other means. The pancratium was psychopathic brutality continued by sporting means. Two unarmed naked, oiled contestants set about each other until one was either unconscious or (preferably) dead. That's not to say that it was completely uncivilised of course. Oh no. There were rules. Two, in fact: no biting, and no gouging out the eyes. Ripping off the goolies is fine, but mind the eyes.
As if to compensate for these gruesome displays of gratuitous violence, All the Greek states observed a sacred truce for the duration of the games. The various warring city states would temporarily stop butchering each other on their own doorsteps and instead send representatives to butcher each other at Olympia. Once that minor distraction was out of the way they'd go back and take up where they left off.
"Right, where were we? If I remember correctly, you were laying down there while I had my sword at your throat."
"Far from it my dear chap. I fear your memory betrays you. You were laying face down over there with a large bruise on the back of your head, while I had my spear poised at your bottom. I remember it distinctly."
As all this developed, Olympia during the games became somewhat like Lisbon during WWII. Because it was neutral it was a hotbed of spying, intrigue, assassinations, black marketeering and other nefarious activities.
All this power, glory and money, of course, compromised the Olympic ideal. In the beginning the strict rules on participation ensured that honour and amateurism reigned. Entry was restricted to free born male Greeks. The 'male' bit was easy to verify seeing as all contestants had to take part naked. The rewards for victory were purely symbolic. A palm was given to the victor once the particular contest was over, and he got an olive branch in the closing ceremony.
Of course, this happy state of affairs couldn't last. The rules were relaxed to allow entry from any part of the Greek and Roman worlds and athletes became progressively more professional and corrupt, as did their sponsors. The games became a sounding board for nationalist tin drum bashing and contestants were heavily, and surreptitiously, subsidised by their home states.
As if this wasn't bad enough, then the Romans came along. Their arrival was the equivalent of taking a mildly corrupt organisation such as the IOC and handing it over to a consortium of FIFA, Bernie Madoff, Sylvio Berlusconni and an assortment of bank CEOs, then saying they could write their own rules. Only in this case, in 67 A.D. it was handed into the tender care of Nero.
Now, say what you like about Nero, but he knew what he wanted. And what he wanted, was everything - including winning the Olympics. In person. Nero makes Vladimir Putin look like Rolf Harris on oxytocin.
The trouble was, he was crap at sport (Nero, that is, not Rolf Harris. Rolf was actually a pretty mean swimmer in his day). This, however, was no barrier to a man of his talents. Firstly he advanced the games by two years so that he could take part at a convenient time. Then he added two new events that only he stood a chance of winning, namely the physically strenuous sports of singing and lyre playing. Well, to be honest, there were probably a great many better singers and lyre players than Nero, but I suspect that they were all well aware of his stance on human rights, fair competition and the rule of law.
This, though, was still not enough. He wanted to win the chariot race, which he duly did. The judges wisely declared him the winner despite the fact that he fell off twice and failed to finish. He rewarded them for their tactful decision by very kindly refraining from having them each nailed to a couple of planks.
So let's not hear any more moaning Minnies wittering on about how the Olympics nowadays are a sham, lacking in true sporting values and selling out to commercial and political interests.
Compared with the originals they're purity incarnate. If only the ancients had had access to modern pharmaceuticals. The pancratium on PCP - now that would capture the Grand Theft Auto demographic.