Birvidik

It's pretty well documented that humans are a tribal species and yotties, contrary to popular opinion in some quarters, are humans. Ergo, yotties are tribal and can be expected to display most, if not all, of the defining characteristics of tribalism. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the field of dress codes.

These have flourished throughout history. Over the last half-century we have seen Teddy Boys through Mods & Rockers, Hippies, New Romantics and Goths. Alongside these have been more establishment tribes such as the bowler-hatted city workers through investment bankers with their loud braces, irritating sense of entitlement and complete lack of morals, to the Boden-wearing Chipping Norton set, recently culminating in self-regarding Hipsters with their wafer-thin glasses, flat white coffees, absurdly over-the-top tattoos and ludicrously pretentious facial hair. In all these cases, dress codes affirm the identity of the tribe and signal membership and status. Tribal dress also serves to encode and reinforce the underlying values and beliefs of the tribe.

Yotties, as expected, have their identifying tribal dress too. On the street the trained eye can identify another yottie at 200 metres enabling, on closer approach, the exchange of secret signs and shibboleths so as to cement the tribal bond. These are so subtle that they make a freemasonry handshake appear about as quietly understated as a Las Vegas neon billboard with a voiceover by Brian Blessed.

Firstly there is the identifying salute. This Approach Manoeuvre is executed at a range of 10 metres and involves holding eye contact exactly 0.4 milliseconds longer than normal and executing an almost imperceptible 3mm nod of the head in the direction of the other yottie. This action is invisible to anyone untrained in its arcane intricacies.

The Approach Manoeuvre is then followed by the Weather Referral. This comprises a brief glance at the sky, immediately followed by a minuscule raising of the right eyebrow, a slightly rueful expression and two rapid 3mm nods of the head in quick succession.

Following the successful completion of the introductory ritual, conversation can be initiated to determine relative status. Convention dictates that this is, at least in the beginning, conducted in English. Which is handy.

There is a rigid and strictly enforced hierarchy in cruising and the Introductory Coded Exchange serves to establish the relative positions of the two yotties within this hierarchy. Although there are many subtle sub-distinctions within it, the outline pecking order is as follows:

1. Full time cruisers who have been living aboard since before the advent of GPS and have at least one complete circumnavigation under their belts.

2. Other full time, liveaboard cruisers.

3. Those who own their own boat and liveaboard for at least 5 months of the year.

4. Dilettante owners who flit between their boat and one of their numerous properties spread across the globe.

5. Charterers.

6. Flotilla holidaymakers.

7. Holiday speedboat hirers.

8. Vermin including rats and cockroaches.

9. Jet skiers.

You will note that singlehanders are not included in this bestiary. This is because they belong in a separate category of their own, being, as they are, just too weird to be included in normal social discourse. A discussion of the single handed yottie will have to wait for an entry dedicated solely to him (it's almost invariably a him).

However, to drag ourselves reluctantly back to the point which, in case you've forgotten, was dress codes. What follows lets you, gentle reader, into the secret world of the Yottie. Having read this you will be able to identify one at 200 metres and bluff your way into yottie society, although why any sane person would actually want to do such a thing is beyond me.

Let us start with the top and work our way down, so to speak.

The hat:
Any self respecting yottie must wear a hat. It must be wide-brimmed to shade the face and neck from the sun and to enable a mysterious, penetrating gaze to shine out from its shade. The exact material is not important, it can be linen, straw or anything as long as its style and colour are restrained, preferably grey or beige. What is important is that it must be dishevelled. Shevelling in any shape or form is absolutely verboten.

The glasses:
This covers sun, prescription and reading glasses or any permutation thereof. Like the hat they must on no account be shevelled. Ideally, they should be held together with surgical sticking plaster. For prescription spectacles, clip-on swivelling sunglasses are a useful and stylish way to accessorise. In all cases they must be attached to a worn and faded retaining cord that loops casually under the ears and round the back of the neck. When out of use they should be left dangling on the chest. Older yotties may have up to four pairs hanging here. Attempting to perch them all on the head produces a look like an overgrown wolf spider.

The beard:
For male yotties this is de rigueur. For the ladies it is optional. On a gentleman the beard should be wild and unrestrained as nature intended. Should a lady wish to sport a beard then artistic trimming in the style of a Brazilian is permitted, if not actively encouraged,

It is true that there are a few clean-shaven male yotties, but these are looked upon with suspicion and discomfort. They are generally regarded as being lacking in moral fibre and probably homosexual. Designer stubble is beyond the pale.

The T shirt:
This is where the yottie can really let his creativity run riot. Nothing is forbidden (except, of course, shevellment). The reason for this lack of constraint is that T shirts are not so much bought as accumulated. They are picked up from community rooms, boat jumbles, rubbish skips and rag piles. In extremis, should Mrs yottie be so unbearably mortified with embarrassment that she can't bear to be seen out with him, she may have to resort to buying new T shirts of dubious and inappropriately youthful design from Lidls.

As with the entire ensemble, dishevelment is the sine qua non of the yottie wardrobe. Battery acid holes are good; tears, rips and areas worn to gossamer thinness are better. Paint splashes add an air of piratical charm and an overwhelming and eye-blistering fragrance of white spirit and old engine oil completes the effect.

The shorts:
These follow the same rules as the T shirt, but have a few additional requirements of their own. Firstly, they must be of the right length. Certainly not over knee length as that is too fashionable and possibly refined. Furthermore they must on no account be very short, constricting the thighs and displaying nauseating amounts of lower buttock curve. Such abominations immediately result in the same sorts of suspicions as are aroused by being clean shaven, only more so. The ideal length is one hand's span above the knee which makes the wearer look like the sort of middle-aged perv who goes to school-dinners parties in seedy night clubs.

The shoes:
These are the only seasonal part of the yottie wardrobe. In the summer they should be sandals, preferably sporting loose soles and exhausted Velcro straps, both of which slap irritatingly with every step. In the winter, wellies are the apparel of choice. For maximum effect these should be expensive but abused beyond redemption. Hunters splattered with antifoul and a selection of gloss paints give the right impression.

And finally, the accessories:
These are many and varied and irretrievably beyond the scope of this brief (?) treatment. They most commonly include the watch, the tape measure, and, most importantly, the shopping trolley.

The watch should be cheap, easy to read and waterproof. The strap should be on its last legs and the glass crazed and scratched, thus negating the easy to read specification. The tape measure, worn at the hip like a cowboy's Colt 45, signals to all that here is a man above mere fashion and appearances. Here is a man at one with himself and the sea, a self-sufficient mariner, relying on no-one and no-thing other than himself and his skills. Here is a man who can hold his head up high and proclaim proudly to the assembled multitudes "I have a shopping trolley!"

Ah yes - the shopping trolley. This is the signature accessory but few other than true yotties can carry it off with the necessary panache as it requires the sort of total lack of embarrassment which results from having no grasp whatsoever of just how much of an absolute dick you look. From such shortcomings comes greatness and with it the recognition of the scattered tribe of true yotties.

Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair.