Birvidik

"Events, dear boy, events"

Harold Macmillan's reply on being asked what is the greatest challenge facing any government.

I don't know - you take everything into consideration and plan ahead only to be sidetracked by the aforementioned events. There I was, planning an incisive analysis of the Greek approach to queuing when David Tredinnick, the Tory MP for Bosworth, turns up in the press arguing that astrology and complementary medicine could take the pressure off the overstretched NHS. In the face of this stunning development, my carefully laid plans obviously had to be seriously re-jigged.

Indeed, several people have approached me asking whether I would be submitting a blog on this very subject. I get the impression that they were expecting, indeed possibly relishing, a bit of a hatchet job, but this is far from the case.

Once I had got over the shock of seeing a Tory MP express any form of concern for, or sympathy with, the NHS I had a bit of a think and I believe he could be on to something here. After all, here is a man who sits on the House of Commons Select Committees for both Health and for Science & Technology. Here is a man in the know, a man in full possession of all the facts, if not all his marbles. Here is a man with his finger on the pulse, if you'll excuse the medical metaphor.

His argument is that astrology is a useful diagnostic tool that would take a lot of the pressure off harassed and overworked medical staff. He also put in a good word for homeopathy in the same vein. (Enough of the medical allusions, already - ed).

Far from slating the man, I think he is a visionary. This is just the sort of courageous, far-sighted, imaginative blue-sky thinking that we need to save our beleaguered and beloved NHS, or as Nigel Lawson put it 'the closest thing the English have to a religion'.

Just think of the money, time and effort that would be saved if we used astrology to better target medical care. All cytotoxic anti-tumour drugs could be preferentially prescribed to those born between June 21st and July 22nd whereas all anti-schizophrenic compounds should be targeted on those falling under Gemini. Viagra would be deemed unnecessary for those born under Aries or Capricorn and pointless for those born under Virgo. This is an area ripe for investigation.

It shouldn't just stop there, though. The annual NHS drugs bill is around 11 billion pounds, which works out at about 170 quid for every man-jack of us. Some of these drugs are eye-wateringly expensive. This challenge could be met by the imaginative combination of modern pharmacology with the homeopathic principles of dilution and succussion.

Basically you take a known, effective modern drug and dilute it to around 10 to the 60, bashing it about a bit on the way. That way one expensive dose will go an awfully long way. In fact it would supply the whole population of the UK and still have enough left over to flog to our American cousins. Even if the dilution is only to 10 to the 12 it would cut the 11 billion pounds a year cost to 1.1 pence. That should help the deficit.

We still, however, have the problem of paying expensive medical staff. An awful lot of their time is taken up with the tedious business of diagnosis. Frequently, this is done by generalists such as GPs, who can then refer on to specialists for diagnostic checking and treatment. Here is where we can save time and money by having all diagnoses carried out by iridologists who can diagnose problems in any part of the patient's body just by taking a gander at his eyeballs. To forestall those hide-bound stick-in-the-muds who demand confirmation you could always call in a reflexologist for a second opinion.

All we need to do then is sort out the surgical side. Well, I'm sure there must be a few psychic surgeons lurking in the Philippines or Brazil who haven't been rumbled yet. Bring 'em over I say - they'll undercut the restrictive practices of the Royal College of Surgeons, no bother. We might have a bit of a problem with UKIP though.

As for the anaesthetists, we should open up the market to hypnotists, acupuncturists , herbalists and aromatherapists. Hell - you could have all four of them working on the patient at the same time and it would still be cheaper than one qualified gasman.

"Just relax, Dear - everything's going to be fine. Just take a sniff of this nice cabbage-water as soon as you've finished your cup of hemlock. Then keep an eye on The Great Stupendo's fobwatch while Mrs Wang starts shoving knitting needles up your jaxie.

Oi ,Wang - watch what you're doing with those bloody needles, it's a bit soddin' cramped in here!"

It doesn't end there though. This principle could be extended to most areas of Government and society.

How about economics? Britain has about half the gold reserves it had before the two big sell-offs in 1970 and 1999. We can't buy it all back, it would be far too expensive and anyway, it doesn't earn interest. What we need are alchemists. Once they've got that Philosopher's Stone business sorted out we'll be quids in and all for the price of a couple of church roofs. And while we're at it, our swollen national debt could be dramatically reduced by the judicious application of tincture of arnica.

OK - what else. We're on a roll here. How about transport? Drivers and passengers would be more energized and in harmony with each other if roads, by-passes and railways were rerouted to take better account of ley-lines. HS2 could be realigned using the principles of Feng Shui. This would, necessarily, involve the avoidance of large, historic homes and expensive luxury housing developments in order to avoid the negative Ch'I which inevitably associates with them and their owners. We could contract out the siting of Boris Island to the scientologists, who could apply their expertise in dianetics to the problem and ask the Thetans if they get stuck. Tom Cruise and John Travolta must fly a lot - they should have plenty to offer. Who needs overqualified engineers.

Then there is the criminal justice system. Great strides have been made here in recent years with the growing acceptance of Offender Psychological Profiling and the use of psychics and mediums to assist the police in their investigations, not to mention expert witnesses with about as much grasp of statistics as the average slime mould.

This, however, is only scratching the surface. Given that the reintroduction of trial by ordeal would probably have difficulty garnering majority support even amongst Daily Mail readers, modern policing has much to gain by going back to its roots and re-embracing the investigatory arts of phrenology, graphology and spiritualism. This would save a fortune in court time and expensive lawyers' fees.

What defence team could counter a prosecution when the accused had been identified in a séance by his dead victim, especially if the graphologist testified that the way he crossed his't's with a limp little phallic loop demonstrated barely repressed psychosexual aggression while the official bump-fondler, a modern day Cesare Lombroso, ringingly announced that the accused's sloping forehead and eyebrows that met in the middle made him an obvious wrong'un. Bang him up.

Education needs little encouragement in this crusade. In fact, if anything, it is leading the way. More and more schools rush to embrace cutting edge initiatives such as Mind Gym, multiple intelligences, neuro-linguistic programming and drinking more water than a clubber on Es while being blasted with Mozart at 110 dB. Just think of the losses to education if these revolutionary initiatives had had to wait for some fuddy-duddy scientists to come up with their boring old supporting evidence.

It is also heartening that schools are leading the way here with the encouragement of faith-based academies. It is only right and fitting that parents should have the choice of whether their children are taught scientific concepts by scientists or by experts in Bronze-Age folk tales, such as Mullahs, Priests, Rabbis, Vicars or Druids. Indeed, why must they be taught such concepts as evolution at all? I mean, get real, people - it is only a theory after all. Such faith-specialised schooling can only help foster integration, harmony, religious tolerance and mutual respect. Look what it did for Northern Ireland.

No - I say all credit to Mr. Tredinnick for taking the lead in this great venture, this Back to the Future (or is it Forward to the Past?).

Normal Service will be resumed as soon as possible.