Birvidik

Right - listen up at the back there! Close that bloody facebook window. Let's have some respect from you lot. You're dealing with a famous author here and I'm absolutely drained, having just emerged bruised but proud from the agonies of The Creative Process. But it has all been worth it to bask in the adulation of my devoted readership. And the accolades - Oh, the accolades! I thank you all!

There are some, however, who need to be hauled over the coals for the crime of lèse-majesté. The Funniest Man Afloat!? - am I not funny when on Terra Firma? When I step ashore, do my witty apercus evaporate like gossamer dewdrops adorning a spider's web on a summer's morn?

And then there are those that damn with faint praise. "A good read"? "An Enjoyable read"? What litotic madness is this? Catch 22 is a good read. Catcher in the Rye is a good read. War & Peace is a good read. An Idiot Aboard is a Work of Art. "Brings humour to a dream"? I do not bring anything to the dream - I bring The Dream. Still, a five star review's a five star review. I'll accept them with ill-concealed bad grace.

Anyway, why the emphasis on laughs and wit? An Idiot Aboard is a serious work, a searingly honest investigation into the dark heart of the human psyche, a portrayal of the ill-starred vagaries of The Human Condition, a poignant paean to loss and betrayal. For goodness' sake, that should be obvious from the title with its echoes of Dostoyevsky and Mark Twain. I mean, what does an Artiste have to do to be appreciated these days - appear on I'm a Literary Icon -Get Me Out of Here? I can't see Stendhal or Tolstoy wolfing down a nice bowl of steamed rancid hippo scrotum lightly garnished with a jus of foetid dingoes' kidneys. Hemingway, possibly, but that's only to be expected. Just look at his sentence structure - he wouldn't recognize a subordinate conditional clause if it stood up in his soup.

Great literature should be judged by its intrinsic artistic merit, not by tawdry considerations of commercial gain, or social status. It is the Art that deserves widespread recognition. Any concomitant money and fame are merely by-products, to be accepted grudgingly but gracefully for the sake of manners.

However, it pains me to report that The Artiste's march to recognition has stalled. Sales have stalled; downloads have stalled; momentum has stalled and this, dear reader, is where you come in. Harness the power of the internet and the wisdom of Crowds! Play your part in saving this literary gem from the dark abyss of obscurity and remainderdom. Write a review on Amazon (5 star minimum please, fawning sycophancy optional but advised). Recommend it strongly to friends and acquaintances. If that doesn't work, resort to thumbscrews or blackmail. Write to your local press, harry your M.P. Buy multiple copies and give them away to opinion formers and opinion leaders. Don't be afraid, ashamed or embarrassed - this is for a higher, more noble purpose, for the sake of Art!

God Bless you all! May the spirits of Calliope, Euterpe, Thalia and Melpomene smile upon your endeavours!

p.s. Can anyone lend me a fiver 'til the royalties check comes through?

p.p.s. - do you think I'm in with a chance of landing a speechwriter's job with Donald Trump?