Faith, Hope and Love
19 June 2017
The last few weeks have been magical and I feel healthy, happy, fit, content and extremely well. So it came as a shock to be drying myself after a swim and to find a small lump near my collar bone, followed two days later by another in my neck. We know I am in 'watch and wait' but had expected to feel physically ill before I had any lumps appearing in lymph areas. We ignored it for a few days before plucking up the courage to email my oncologist. She got back to us in twenty minutes to reassure us not to panic and to stick to our 'plan': Blood tests every four months, and as long as they are okay, not to worry at this stage, after all, there is a possibility they could be unrelated! I cried with relief but allowed myself an hour of self pity as sometimes this diagnosis puts a dampener on the happiest of days.
In my self pity I fear having to have chemotherapy again, I am frightened of dying, I am scared of not existing, but more than anything, I am scared I won't be able to grow old with Jules. Since Christmas It feels as if cancer has gone on tracking me in the shadows, and sometimes there feels as if there will never be a respite from it. So I turn to meditation. Five years on and I am still pretty hopeless at it, but every time my mind spirals out of control meditation always brings me back to this very moment, the here and now, the only moment I have. If I focus on that and not the future my fears drop away one by one.
I can not deny that having a diagnosis of cancer makes the world become brighter, as if I see everything in flashing neon lights, and every moment becomes special. Holding hands with Jules whilst we sniff and prod French cheeses for their ripeness in a supermarket makes us laugh, getting up early in the heat to walk the dogs becomes a pleasure and getting the wrong haircut when I do not know enough foreign words to explain what I want, becomes a giggle, especially when I return to the boat and Chez Jules gets his hands on the scissors to finish it off!!!!!! When I need it most, the universe always has a way of showing me things to delight in. In the last few days we have been visited by a family of huge bottle nosed dolphins swimming at the bow of the boat. We have kayaked to see two Osprey families and their nests. We spotted a dark sinister movement right next to the boat and jumped into the sea and found a two and a half metre stingray under our flippers. We have anchored in secluded bays and walked in beautiful countryside. We have shared beaches with young calves and had campfires on the beach as the sun set. We have snorkelled amongst the most amazing pods of fish and seen starfish on the sandy bottom. We have paddle boarded with the dogs and shared a laugh with the French customs as Tinker greeted them with a kiss on the lips as they tried to board the boat. As I write this I am lying on deck watching the most amazing night sky with shooting stars and we have watched huge beach firework displays from the boat and eaten mussels and slipper lobsters. We manage to do all of this on a couple of hundred pounds a week, the cost of two Phase Eight Dresses on a shopping trip to the Merry Hill after a bad day at work. Life is wonderful, and without my diagnosis we would both be stuck in jobs we were bored with, dreaming about sailing away. The last five years have been brilliant.
I know conventional treatment works for many people , and I shall not turn my back on it when the time is right. In the meantime Jules and I have to have faith that all the things I am doing to improve my "terrain" are working, and I certainly feel healthier than I have in my entire life. Cancer cells flourish within an individual whose immune system is weakened by chemotherapy, antibiotics and modern medicine. So at the moment the galley looks like an apothecary shop, with ground down cloves, sweet wormwood and wild oregano. I have tinctures, homemade powders, tissanes and capsules!!! I am having a yeast and parasite cleanse and am thoroughly enjoying reading everything I can about the gut, and good bacteria. I have jars of fermenting goodies, and cupboards full of bee pollen and dried green grasses. I have just ended a two week liver detox with green juices and Epsom salts, but even I drew a line at the coffee enemas!!!!! There is so much research out there about how good these things are for everyone, but changes in lifestyle, can not by definition be patented, and become medications. Therefore the pharmaceutical companies are not interested in the findings or researching further. It has been proven by WHO (the World Health Organisation) that the richer a county's diet in vegetables and legumes, the lower the cancer rate. It describes cancer as a disease of a rich country with sugary sweet, and highly processed foods and takeouts. I have read so much, I feel I could do a degree in nutrition, lifestyle and environmental factors linked to cancer, but still the medical profession give patients on chemotherapy wards sugary cakes, fizzy drinks and processed foods.
It is my hope that in ten years time I can write a book and give talks showing that I am living proof that these things work. We hope and pray that we will die in our eighties, in a perfect little bay, swinging gently on the anchor, but in the meantime, we have compiled a wish list of all the places I hope to visit and all the things we plan to do. In the next few years I am determined to sail across the Atlantic and spend a season in the Carribean before crossing to the States to visit Chesapeake Bay and Martha's Vineyard. I hope to visit Cuba, Mexico, Brazil, and Venezuela before sailing through the Panama Canal and entering the Pacific Ocean. I have always hoped to visit the Galápagos Islands with their giant tortoises and lizards.
Jules and I have a "Joie de Vivre", love and passion about life, and everyday is the greatest gift. We were lucky we met and fell in love at twenty one and get on so well. Everyday our love grows a little stronger and he is my rock. I joke that he is going to be married to a woman with more lumps, bumps and scars than Scrappy Doo. I am blessed to be surrounded by loving family and friends that support our mad lifestyle in every way they can, even though my naked sailing horrifies my little sister!!!
I used to think life was good, but now I know it is awesome and everyday gets better. I will continue following the advice that my friend Mary recently put in an email , "fight with all my might, love with all my heart and be positive with every thought".