12 July 2018
Well, here I am, sat on my lonesome, in the pub, in the afternoon, watching the World Cup football and drinking......tea for goodness sake. And I don't even like football let alone people drinking tea in a pub.
What's happening to me? I Googled the symptoms and I believe it's called SBS; Sans Boat Syndrome aka Boatless Buffoon or Lost Landlubber.
All my pals are out playing.
- "Look at my fab kayak roll".
- "Wow! Look at the views from way up here".
- "Hey, we're having a fab time in Fiji". "
- "It's great to be sailing again."
- "Look at me! All bevvied up on designer Gin" (you know who you are, although to be honest, quite a number qualify for this one).
Meanwhile, I'm doing a good cover of Clive Dunn's "Grandad" becoming quite the expert at PlayDoh, bath time, Netflix binges and my latest SBS symptom, Football Enthusiast.
One of the mysteries of goofball is how, when one of the opposing team come within arms length of a player in possession of the ball, with nary a touch or even just the suggestion of a tackle, said player's legs simply stop working and they plummet to earth as if felled by a shot from an elephant gun. As there's seldom an obvious reason for this I can only assume they have tripped over an invisible brick.
These invisible bricks seem to be lying randomly all over the pitch as, at any time, these £100,000 per week goofballers can suddenly come to grief and pitch to the ground, face contorted in agony from hitting an invisible brick. Even more strangely, having pitched to the ground they can then roll and roll for five or ten metres unimpeded by further invisible bricks. Clutching a lower leg, either will do, they make sad eyes at the referee and it takes many long minutes for the excruciating pain to subside. Heaven forbid they ever play rugby.
Strangely, despite their exceedingly low pain thresholds these goofballers can apparently cope with several days of full body tattooing with a blunt needle.
The world goofball final is on Saturday. Think I might watch the tennis.
Anybody need crew?