The usual answer to this is, “start with a large fortune.”

However, in today’s madness, from what I’ve been observing and now experienced first hand given we’re out the big, wide Covid world, the potential to truly make a small fortune in record time hasn’t been as good since 1939. It’s almost enough to tempt me out of retirement.

Get yersell down the government offices, or better, and as is the norm, certainly in the UK, call up one of your buddies working in government, probably one of the chaps you went to school with, and offer your services as a Covid response supplier / practitioner. Any old shit will do. Dodgy masks from China that cost a penny to make and sell for a quid. Hand sanitiser from any old gloop you can get your hands on, just add a dash of meths or acetone to make it smell “right”. Fill your shitty hotel that used to sell bargain rooms for £29.99 with quarantine guests. Serve them any old muck you can get from the nearest industrial kitchen and charge £150 a night. Brilliant. Then, fastest buck of all, the PCR Medical Centre.

Find some cheap, empty office space. Hang up some colourful posters made from Getty library pictures of serious looking doctors and nurses, stethoscope round the neck of course. A few old Dell computers and some ex-nurses happy to perform frontal lobotomies shoving giant Q-tips up yer hooter. Pay them just enough to feed the kids then, pocket what’s left from the exorbitant €110 test that takes twenty seconds. €190 if you want results real fast.

The profiteers of two world wars would be proud of their fine example and your success.

Next stop; Paris. Tune in for the next exciting instalment.