We came home and I want to turn right back around. The house Vince and I have worked on and the garden we created over the 6 years together has been lost in major deception. In general the human sickness is reverberating and I return to the barely-lapping bay where I can become passive.
The end has been the hardest part. I have to look at my own impact as a human, with scrutiny and severity. Everywhere is hard edges, rules and misunderstanding. If there's a need for battle, all is already lost. A solution is ever more patience and truth. Attachment and investment blinded me, never the sea water or wind. I am incredibly liberated yet heavy-hearted to finally have it all out of my life: I realize it has always been my intention and I failed myself in welcoming the disengagement to try and protect years of accommodation and sanctuary. Sailing is so freeing, that possessions cannot matter, they will fall in the drink forever, and they will weigh you down-- yet I still cared about my garden and little farm and fort so much that I would risk everything, even honor, to try and gain my place among them again.
The experiences on the ocean truly opened my eyes and provided an expansive setting for alchemizing the soul. Out there, it is easy to be a part of beauty, of true love. On land, I can hardly hold my head still at the faces, the cars and missing trees. As capable as all humans are of being just and decent, there is a shadow side to it all that lurks around us even in cheery springtime sun. I am abashed that my love for the natural earth is far more advanced than my love for humans. In sea-searching I understood the devastation humans have left in the heart of wild, sacred places-- now I must understand the devastation that is left in the wild, sacred hearts of each human as a part of my land-search for truth. Perhaps as a part of my search I can sense the faith and beauty dwelling there as well.
The most valuable thing of sailing is the experience. It is being crew. It is keeping your watch and keeping your cool. It is this oceanic appreciation and love that is worth this lifetime and though you want to bat the annoying doldrums and thuggish storms away, they are there to reveal something about yourself. When phosphorescent dolphins and magnificent whales leave your bow, yes, it's impossible not to try and chase them, but they will return and to greater delight.
I thank my readers, and hope our stories inspired. This is Xoe, Over and out.